For a long time now, I’ve been trying to let go of a certain boy that I (used to?) love very, very much. We actually broke up three years ago, when I was in freshmen year of college. It was my fault, I dumped him because I felt frustrated at our relationship, that we were distancing and moving in different directions without really communicating with each other. Yet, for some reason, his persistence and kind personality made me unable to really and properly leave.
‘Then get back together, why don’t you. Don’t waste each other’s time fretting over what could be.’ Believe me, I’ve thought the same thing countless times. We went on dates, had romantic dinners together, confided in each other, trusted in each other… So many times, I believed that we could rekindle the flames of our past relationship.
Yet, the problems that made me want to leave in the first place never really went away, and try as I might, I just couldn’t overlook them. On hindsight, I realise how ridiculous it is to fall for someone for who they are, then expect them to change for you later on. That’s sort of why we broke up – I wanted him to be something he wasn’t. It’s like buying an apple because that was your favourite fruit and then getting pissed at the apple for not tasting like strawberry. It makes no sense.
I started accepting a little more that we wouldn’t work out as a couple, and went on dates with other people, as did he, I think, though perhaps to a much lesser extent. None of my feeble attempts at romance worked out though; I was always too fixated on what this certain boy felt to care enough about the guys I was dating. Which was incredibly ironic because all through our (my) dating-other-people-phase, we cared less about each other too – after all, we were no longer each other’s boyfriend/girlfriend, so there was no more reason for us to go to great lengths for each other. Disappointment after disappointment came, and we started feeling empty. My sweetheart has turned into a non-expressive, non-responsive human being, as though numb after having been hurt so many times by my many mistakes, and I turned into a passive aggressive psycho. It is in many ways a terrible place to be in.
What prompted me to be open about my love life and write this post is that (yes, seriously), I came across a horoscope on Thought Catalog which I for some reason have not been able to get out of my mind for weeks.
‘Here’s How You’ll Fall In Love In 2017, Based On Your Myers-Briggs Personality Type‘, the article reads, and for my personality type, INFP, it says, “This year, you’ll spend a lot of time alone – learning more about yourself and what you truly want out of a relationship. Once you’ve done the hard work of rooting through your past hangups, the right person will fall easily, naturally into your life. It won’t be as intense, as passionate or as big of a whirlwind as your love affairs usually are, but it’ll feel right. And it’ll continue to feel right for a very long time.”
I must stop here to say that I’m usually a huge skeptic of astronomy and the like. Horoscopes are, to me anyway, generally nonsense, and only make sense to the extent that you internalise them and make them your reality, kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts.
If that’s so though, then this short snippet of a message makes perfect sense for me.
Try as I might, I can’t keep holding on to what once was. There is a time and place for everything (which come to think of it is what Ash’s mum always says in the Pokemon game when I try make him cycle in the Gym) and I suppose when a season passes, we can never really return.
So, though it pains me to no end, today I’m deciding to let him go. Not because I don’t love him anymore – I honestly don’t think I’m capable of that – but because I’m incapable of trying anymore for a relationship that I now believe isn’t meant to be.
I’ll try to be happy for him when he finds someone new, someone better for him than I was. I’ll try to wish him the best in his every endeavour, and I’ll try my best to walk away and stay away. This really is one of the hardest decisions of my life!
I suppose all I can say is thank you for the memories, sweet as they were. I’ll always cherish them, just as I’ll always cherish you. You know that you’ll always have a special place in my heart.
So… Thank you! 🙂